so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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