I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
