if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
