I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
barbara walters just said penis...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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