you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
