i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
