You just made me feel so damn special
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
