I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Little spoons don't ask big questions
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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