Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
