This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
where are my eyebrows?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
