Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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