drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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