Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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