I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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