i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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