I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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