Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
