Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
