why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
