The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
