god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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