I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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