make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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