would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Pooping to opera.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
