I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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