Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
