That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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