a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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