On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
