so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
