You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
