my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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