Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
