This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
