By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
