Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
