never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think I just shit out all my problems.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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