I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
There was a lot of him and a little penis
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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