Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
