Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
