shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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