If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
