And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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