I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
