I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I didn't notice because vodka
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
