I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
