That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
