The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The beer is more important than you right now.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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