come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
