I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
