I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
