I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
